His Ways Are Not My Ways featuring Sarah Paige Diaries
I will never forget the day I sat on the floor of my bedroom crying my eyes out because my life was going in a completely opposite direction from where I thought it was going. When I finished high school, I made a failed attempt at going to Bible college, and then I moved home and started working at my church. I was a production assistant and focused mainly on sound, lights, and graphics. And I loved my job. I loved every single second of it and decided it was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
So, as a highly self motivated and type A personality, I threw my whole self into this idea of a career. I spent almost $40,000 going to school for music business, I spent all of my waking hours studying and working as hard as I could to become as good at it as I possibly could. I was planning my entire life around this one thing.
I decided to press on with what I wanted and planned a move from my tiny town in the mountains to Southern California, I found a place to live, and was working on getting a job at a recording studio as an assistant. I was so excited that my life was doing just what I wanted it to. I had quit my job and was one week away from moving when everything changed.
All throughout this process, I had begun feeling incredibly sick. I had ignored significant symptoms that were giving me increasingly more pain, my body was growing weaker and I was physically miserable. I refused to go to the doctor throughout the process thinking that it was something that would go away on its own.
I tried every homeopathic remedy I could find and I continued getting sicker. I was eating a ridiculously healthy diet, working out every day, and I was continuously gaining weight. My face had disappeared under a covering of painful cystic acne. And I lost myself.
So, reluctantly I went to the doctor so that I would have peace of mind when I moved, thinking that they would tell me it was nothing, that it was just stress, and that it would go away with time. But instead what happened is I ended up in an MRI getting my brain scanned for pituitary tumors (which praise the Lord I didn’t have, but it was a significant wake up call), and before I knew it my entire plan had run itself into the ground.
I had no job, I wasn’t going to be able to move, I had to drop out of school, and I spent the next several months going from doctors office to doctors office. In 6 months I had 186 vials of blood drawn. I felt completely hopeless.
Everything that I had wanted and dreamed of for my life was down the drain. I was sick, my body was weak, it looked completely different from how it looked before, and I was told it might never go back to normal. I was told I would never be able to have children. I was told this would be a challenge I would face for the rest of my life. I was devastated.
The crazy thing is, Jesus met me in that broken season of life in a more powerful way than I ever expected. I was so broken. So lost. And so hurting. And He came into my darkness and He healed my heart long before He ever healed my body.
I realized that throughout the entire process I had been completely focused on myself. On what I wanted for my life, on my goals, on my expectations, and I was stopping at nothing to get what I wanted. Looking back at who I was I feel sick, thinking of the ways I pushed past God’s calling on my life for what I wanted for myself. I chose me over and over and over again, all the while He was pursuing my heart and gently leading me and calling me into something different.
This world tells us that it’s every man for himself. That we have to fight for what we want. That we should have a 5 year plan, and a 10 year plan. That we have to be successful by the world’s definition. That our worth is based in what we do and who we become. And I am here to tell you it’s a lie.
God calls us not to worry about tomorrow. But to follow Him every day, even when we don’t understand the future, or our lives feel completely confusing. He calls us to lean on Him and to walk with Him. And so often we choose to run ahead of Him in pursuit of our own plans and dreams.
I am happier and more content today having been through that trial than I ever would have been without it. God did heal my body over time. He brought me to a place I never thought I could get. And honestly, I know I never would have gotten to this place without Him allowing my life to be turned upside down. He brought me from a completely broken state to a healthy and thriving state of living for Him and what He wants for my life.
God’s will is beyond perfect. His love is better than life, and His desire is to bring beauty out of the pain we walk through. All we have to do is choose to trust Him. Choose to walk with Him when life seems uncertain. Choose to follow His voice in the midst of the lies this world tells us. We have to have faith that He is good and that His ways are higher than ours. There is nothing too deep or too dark or too broken for our God.
About the Author:
Sarah Schneider is the writer and creator behind the lifestyle blog Sarah Paige Diaries.
Read more of her work at sarahpaigediaries.com and follow her on Instagram @sarahpaigediaries!